How to Deal with an Alcoholic Spouse

When your spouse is struggling with an alcohol use disorder (AUD), it can be very difficult and overwhelming. However, AUD is a treatable condition, and as a loved one, there are some actions you can take to help an alcoholic spouse. At the same time, it is vital to recognize that you are neither responsible nor the answer to your spouse’s alcohol problems, and you need to take care of your own healing as well.

If you or your loved one is struggling with alcohol use and you are not sure of the steps to take, this article will provide you with the information and hope that there is a way forward from this.

How Does Alcoholism Impact Marriage?

Dealing with an alcoholic spouse can be difficult, as it can adversely impact your marriage. Statistically speaking, as per "For better or for worse? The effects of alcohol use on marital functioning," as alcohol use turns into alcoholism and/or alcohol use disorder, negative family interactions and marital discontentment increase. In fact, studies have shown that alcoholic husbands are more likely to become violent toward their wives, so wives of alcoholics can even become the victims of domestic violence, thereby contributing to separation/divorce.

But not everything is as bleak, and you can take proactive steps to help an alcoholic spouse:

• Recognize the problem, which is alcoholism. It may come quite naturally to criticize the person, but it is alcoholism that is the problem. While alcohol use might seem pretty simplistic and straightforward as a drinking problem, there are genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors at play that make the condition complicated.
• Alcoholism is quite a complex condition. So, do not take your spouse's drinking personally or try to tackle it alone. Reach out to your family and friends for support. You can also reach out to licensed mental health practitioners to speak to them and direct them toward recovery.
• Set boundaries. Having personal boundaries is crucial to any relationship, especially with an alcoholic spouse. Establish clear boundaries about what behaviors you will and will not accept. Communicate these gently but firmly, such as prohibiting alcohol around children. Boundaries protect you and your family’s safety.
• Focus on yourself. Never neglect your self-care for anything. Have a life outside of the relationship, rely on your family and friends for support, enroll in family support groups like Al-Anon, and seek professional help if required.

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How to Help An Alcoholic Spouse?

Alcoholism claims nearly 2.6 million lives worldwide and destroys many more, so it is only natural for you to want to help an alcoholic spouse. Here are some steps you can take:

• First, educate yourself regarding alcoholism and alcohol use disorder. Learn about the treatment options as well as other resources near you. You can even contact a mental health provider for this.
• Only speak to your spouse when they are sober. This is when they can be more receptive and sensitive to what you are trying to say.
• Ask them open-ended questions about their drinking. This might provide insights into why they are drinking. You can talk to them about the unwanted effects of their drinking, and this can be eye-opening. Do not criticize, shame, or push them toward anything they do not want to do; instead, respect their decisions.
• Encourage your spouse toward treatment and recovery. Speak to them regarding the benefits.
• Never take your spouse’s drinking personally or neglect your self-care over their drinking. Make sure to seek support for yourself if needed. For instance, you can enroll in family support groups like Al-Anon.
• Set boundaries, and if at any given time you feel physically or psychologically unsafe, leave your home and seek immediate help. You can also reach out to trusted family members and friends for support.

How to Talk To Your Alcoholic Spouse About Their Drinking Problem?

Being the spouse of an alcoholic is challenging. Yet, you need to reach out and speak to your spouse, and here are some ways you can talk to them about their drinking problem:

• Timing: Getting the timing is the first step. Do not talk when they are not sober or when tensions are high. Set a good, comfortable time for both of you.
• Focus on the drinking: Remain focused on drinking. Explain to them how their drinking can lead to real damage in their lives. Approach them with empathy and care, but do not judge them, criticize them, or shame them. Target the drinking, not the person.
• Be Prepared for Defensiveness: When you speak to your alcoholic spouse, you might receive pushback. They can deny or become defensive. So, be prepared for the same. Do not take it personally, but treat it like a crucial conversation.
• Have a Practical Plan: In case your spouse is open to seeking treatment, have a plan. Reach out to mental health providers in your area or other support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) to direct them toward care and recovery.
• Enjoy the Good Things: Alcoholism is severe, but do not lose sight of the good things. For instance, you can encourage your spouse’s interests and passions, their social support system, and so on. Stay connected and enjoy things as a family, as this will allow you to maintain harmony and peace in life.

What Not to Say to an Alcoholic Spouse?

Living with an alcoholic spouse is challenging. Alcoholism wreaks havoc on interpersonal relationships as your spouse can prioritize alcohol over everything, including your marriage and family. Yet, there are some things not to say to an alcoholic spouse, which can damage your marriage further:

• Be careful with the kind of language you use. For instance, using terms like alcoholic or addict can seem negative, as they indicate alcoholism as a moral failure as opposed to a condition that can be treated. So, be gentle and positive.
• Do not lecture, blame, or shame them. Lecturing or guilt-tripping someone into recovery rarely pays off. Instead, keep the focus on alcoholism and how it can be detrimental.
• Do not make generalizations regarding alcoholism. Instead, point out specific examples or behaviors that are troubling or even dangerous.
• Speaking in generalizations. Generic statements are not as impactful as specific examples and requests. Point out specific behaviors that are troubling or suggest proactive steps that can be empowering.
• Do not speak without listening. While it is important for you to make your point, communication must always be two-way. So, respect your spouse by listening to them. Understand where they are coming from and their perspective on things as well.

What are the Treatment Options for Alcoholic Spouses?

Alcoholism or alcohol use disorder is a difficult condition. Yet, there is hope in the form of treatment, rehabilitation, and recovery. Alcoholism can be treated in residential and outpatient settings, with the following options:

Psychotherapy:

Psychotherapeutic interventions are designed to address the underlying reasons leading to alcoholism. They also equip the person with coping skills and life skills to handle urges, cravings, and other stressors in life.

Motivational interviewing, contingency management, cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, and mindfulness therapy, among others, are some of the therapies used to treat alcoholism.

Couples Therapy:

Couples therapy is a type of psychotherapy that focuses on the challenges within a relationship and how both partners can recover from them. Alcoholism can also be addressed within couples therapy.

Medication Management:

Medication management with medicines like acamprosate, disulfiram, and naltrexone reduces cravings and manages alcoholism.

Relapse Prevention:

As relapse is a huge risk with alcoholism, personalized relapse prevention plans are designed to minimize the chances of relapse. This is crucial to lasting recovery and sobriety.

Ongoing Care:

Recovery is not a one-stop destination with treatment and rehabilitation. It requires ongoing care. This may involve therapy, counseling, and 12-step programs, such as enrolling in peer groups like Alcoholics Anonymous.

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Dealing with an alcoholic spouse can be physically and emotionally taxing. However, remember that there is hope - a light at the end of the tunnel. Recovery from alcohol misuse is possible. While your spouse's recovery is eventually their choice, you can always motivate them and encourage them to seek recovery. Be non-judgmental, empathetic, and caring. At the same time, do not neglect self-care and self-love.

If your spouse is struggling with alcoholism, reach out to the NuView Treatment Center today. We treat alcohol use disorder in outpatient settings with partial hospitalization programs and intensive outpatient programs, which are personalized to your loved one’s unique needs and goals. Please remember, we are here to listen to you and assure you that you are not alone. In this journey, we have got you. Our team of experienced clinicians can provide guidance every step of the way, from diagnosis to aftercare. So, if you are looking for help in dealing with an alcoholic partner/spouse, contact us today.

If you have an alcoholic spouse who is considering or actively seeking treatment, reach out to NuView now. Call us at (323) 307-7997 or email us at info@nuviewtreatment.com.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I tell if my spouse is an alcoholic?

Signs of alcoholism in your spouse will look like increased and frequent drinking, concealing and lying, changes in appetite/weight loss, blackouts, and a lack of interest in everything else. They might also neglect responsibilities at their job and at home.

What impact does alcoholism have on a spouse's mental health?

Dealing with an alcoholic spouse can physically and emotionally drain the partner. Anxiety, mood swings, stress, and sleep disturbances can become common. Therefore, prioritize self-care. Consult with a mental health provider if required as well.

How do I help my spouse if he is an alcoholic?

To help your spouse, let them know that they can lean on you for support. Find treatment options near you. You can get a mental health provider to speak to them. Seek other social/community-based resources like Alcoholics Anonymous.

Why is it important to approach your spouse with compassion and understanding?

Approaching your partner with compassion and understanding is very crucial. Criticizing, lecturing, or shaming can only make matters worse, as it puts a person on the defensive, alcoholic or otherwise. Having them know that they can lean on you will enable them to open up and be honest with you regarding their drinking problems.

What if my partner refuses to acknowledge the problem?

Denial of alcoholism is common. Therefore, you can approach them with empathy and care. Ask them open-ended questions. Continue to motivate and encourage them toward treatment and recovery.

Can alcoholism lead to divorce?

Yes, alcoholism increases the risk of marital strife and violence, culminating in a separation or divorce.

When should I leave an alcoholic spouse?

When you find yourself living under constant stress and anxiety about your (and your family’s) well-being and safety. When you feel like you are taking too much more than what you can deal with and find it overwhelming, it may be time to reconsider your relationship.