Setting Healthy Boundaries with an Alcoholic Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissistic husband can be challenging, even during the best of times. Now, add alcohol into the mix; what happens? These two factors become a toxic combination not only for the person with the conditions but for others as well. Especially the spouse.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and alcohol use disorder (AUD) can be co-occurring conditions. Difficult to diagnose and challenging to treat, they can lead to devastating effects on interpersonal relationships. In this blog, we shall comprehensively understand what it is like to deal with a husband who suffers from both alcoholism and narcissism. If you are in a relationship with one, then we shall seek to understand how you can deal with it.

Understand Alcoholism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a Cluster B personality disorder. It is characterized by a grandiose sense of self that is unreasonable. Narcissists are often driven by the need to feel important. This can make them dangerous to themselves as well as to others.

Alcoholism or alcohol use disorder is a substance use disorder. It is characterized by heavy, chronic drinking. Alcoholism can uproot every aspect of life, disrupt interpersonal relationships, and impair day-to-day functioning.

Now, the next question is, are alcoholics narcissists, too? Not always. Alcoholism and narcissism can often co-occur. More than 40% of persons diagnosed with NPD tend to suffer from a substance use disorder as well, including alcoholism. With narcissists, alcoholism is a great possibility. In fact, grandiosity in itself is an independent factor when it comes to alcoholism. So, experts suggest that narcissists drink to strengthen their feelings of grandiosity. When these two conditions overlap, it can lead to the following:

• Shifting, unstable moods.
• Anxiety and distress.
• Avoidance of unpleasant emotions or circumstances.
• Shifting blame, as it is not easy to take responsibility for one's own actions.
• Unpredictable behaviors, which are characterized by a lack of self-control.

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Our dedicated professional staff is here to guide you or your loved one on the journey to lasting recovery, offering support every step of the way.

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Is Your Spouse Sober But Narcissistic Behavior Persists?

Having a narcissistic spouse, even if they are sober, is difficult to manage. While alcoholism can often be diagnosed and treated, with narcissism, it is more difficult to diagnose or treat. So, even if your spouse is sober, their narcissistic behaviors can persist. 

Some things you ought to know are the signs of narcissistic behavior in relation to a spouse:

• They are charming on the outside and to others. However, you know that this charm is only a facade. Deep down, there are feelings of insecurity.
• Manipulation is common. They get you to do what they want by manipulating you.
• They engage in gaslighting by denying things you know for a fact. In doing so, they exert control over you.
• You feel that you are constantly criticized on the basis of different aspects of your personality and behavior, and feelings of inadequacy develop.
• You feel like you are treading on eggshells with your spouse, as you do not know when they are going to engage in angry outbursts or fly into a rage.
• You feel disconnected, and your needs are ignored in light of theirs.
• A feeling of being unloved develops. Your spouse may even engage in infidelity, and you are aware of the same.

While everybody's experiences with a narcissistic spouse vary, the above-mentioned are some commonalities. When you experience this kind of treatment day after day, your physical, psychological, emotional, and social health begins to go into a downward spiral.

Now, if your spouse drinks on top of this, they will always prioritize drinking over you. If you point this out, there is a chance they will fly into a rage, and you will feel as if you are always treading on dangerous waters with them.

RELATED: Learn about Codependent Relationships here. 

Set Clear Boundaries

Living with an alcoholic narcissist husband is challenging. So, you will have to begin to prioritize your own sense of self above his. The first step toward the same is to set clear boundaries. It is not going to be easy to begin with, especially after you have been on the receiving end of manipulative, gaslighting, and explosive behavior.

So, establishing boundaries becomes very crucial at this juncture. Boundaries, while healthy, are difficult to implement and have consequences. Nevertheless, they are necessary. Some ways you can do the same are:

- Understand NPD and do not underestimate it. It is a powerful psychological condition that distorts a person's view of their own self, others, and the world.

- Introspect. Understand what you will tolerate and what you will not. For instance, "No alcohol around me," or using sentences like, "I do not like it when you..." If your narcissist, alcoholic husband is crossing the threshold of what you can tolerate, communicate the same to him. If the situation is not improving, then take yourself out of the environment.

- Setting boundaries with narcissistic alcoholics can astound them. They constantly seek to see what they can get away with. So, do not indulge. Do not explain or justify yourself.

- Stick to your convictions. Once you have taken this step of setting boundaries, do not go back.

- Seek therapy. Sometimes, setting boundaries on your own and sticking to them can be challenging. So, seek psychotherapy or counseling to adopt healthy personal boundaries.

Prioritize Self-Care

Toxic relationships, like those with a husband who suffers from alcoholism and narcissism, are taxing. They can lead to mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder, among others.

While the demands of the relationship can be overwhelming to the point that you neglect your own self, always remember to prioritize self-care. Some ways you can do this are:

• Practice patience and empathy with your own self.
• Consider a break; move away for some time when things get overwhelming or dangerous.
• Engage in healthy practices, like meditation, mindfulness, or yoga.
• Partake in enjoyable activities outside of the relationship, those that you enjoy.
• Have a "me time" where you can engage in self-love.

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Set Realistic Expectations

It is good to be realistic about what you expect from your relationship with a narcissist alcoholic husband. Alcoholism and narcissism are challenging to deal with when your husband suffers from either of them. Alcoholism can go untreated and even has a relapse rate of 40%. Meanwhile, narcissism often goes undiagnosed as people find it difficult to admit they have a mental health condition.

It is not easy living with an alcoholic narcissist. If your husband is willing to change, be encouraging and supportive. However, if your husband is unwilling to change, then prepare yourself to take the step and leave the relationship. 

Easier said than done, it is necessary not to blame yourself for choosing to leave the relationship either. So, seek support from family and friends and protect your own safety. Do not hesitate to reach out to a licensed and skilled counselor or psychologist if required. With time and help, healing is achievable.

Seek Support

Living with a husband with alcoholism and narcissism is difficult. It is isolating and threatening, especially as the relationship becomes abusive. As your husband may have a tendency to fly into a rage, you might even feel unsafe.

The key is to not let yourself be isolated. Have relationships outside of your husband, and let your family and friends know about the circumstances. Never underestimate the power of psychotherapy or counseling for yourself. While you may not be suffering from alcohol use disorder or narcissistic personality disorder, living with someone who has these conditions can be taxing in itself. So, seek professional help.

Joining informal peer groups can also be useful. You will be able to find a space where you can share your experiences and make connections with those who have been through the same thing.

Start Your Personalized Treatment Plan

Our dedicated professional staff is here to design a treatment plan tailored to your unique needs, guiding you or your loved one on the journey to lasting recovery.

(323) 307-7997

Frequently Asked Questions

How to leave an alcoholic narcissist?

With clear communication, taking care of personal safety, and having a strong social support system, it is possible to leave an alcoholic narcissist.

How to live happily with a narcissistic husband?

Living with a narcissistic husband is not easy. However, you can be understanding by educating yourself about the disorder and encouraging him to seek help instead of trying to get him to change.

How to stand up to a narcissist husband?

With direct and clear communication, by sticking to the facts, and by not being overly emotional in your communication, you can stand up to a narcissistic husband.