The Power of Forgiveness: Letting Go to Heal and Move Forward

Introduction

Forgive and forget, take the high road – these are some things you must have heard very often. While they are certain things that are told to us as kids, they can be really powerful tools to let go, heal, and move forward in life.

Resentment, bitterness, grudges, vengeance – they sound fair, but they are also too heavy to cling to. They only lead to more negativity in life. Meanwhile, forgiveness, it is about achieving balance and peace in life. Forgiveness does not mean enabling others’ behaviors even if they are unfair or dangerous to you. It is about moving past these things and moving forward in life.

How To Forgive Someone Who Hurts You?

Being wronged by others or being subjected to unjust behavior is nothing uncommon. Something uncommon is forgiveness, and it is also quite challenging. In fact, when the other party does not even acknowledge their wrongdoings or offer an apology, it becomes all the more difficult. Nevertheless, forgiveness is healthy for life.

To try and forgive someone who hurts you, the best path forward is understanding Robert Enright’s four steps of forgiveness:

1. Understand the Anger –

Forgiveness starts with identifying the reasons for your anger toward another person or event, and understanding how it shapes your perspective of the same. This helps in unpacking the reasons for anger, resentment, and hatred.

2. Deciding to Forgive –

In this step, it is about resolving to forgive the person. For this, you will have to explore your reluctance to forgive that person, why you might have been reluctant to forgive in the past, and the advantages to be gained by resolving to forgive.

3. Cultivating Forgiveness –

It involves viewing the person who has wronged you with compassion and trying to understand where they are coming from. However, it is not always necessary that this leads to forgiveness, especially in cases where there is an active threat from the other person.

4. Releasing Negative Emotions –

The final step, it is the outcome of having grown from the experience of the previous steps and releasing the bottled-up negative emotions. This leads to personal health and well-being.

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How To Forgive Yourself?

Forgiveness is usually understood in the context of bestowing it upon others, but oftentimes, it is forgotten that we need to forgive ourselves, too. Mistakes happen, but then they can lead to intense feelings of guilt and shame. In these cases, forgiving yourself becomes important.

Forgiving yourself comes with taking responsibility for whatever has happened. Reflect on why did it happen, and the hurt it might have led to. Then, forgive yourself by saying it out loud, writing it down, or any other way you feel is comfortable and empowering. However, what is also important is to apologize to the person(s) affected by the event and rectify the situation whenever possible.

Why Is Self-Forgiveness Important In Recovery?

Forgiveness is a critical aspect of recovery from substance use disorders. It is helpful in liberating yourself from any negative feelings, be it guilt, shame, or other similar feelings you might have developed and bottled up during substance use. There are 4 R’s that are important for self-forgiveness during recovery, and they are as follows:

Responsibility –

It is about realizing that you have the option of forgiving yourself and liberating yourself from the negative emotions of substance use.

Remorse –

This involves recognizing the hurt you might have caused, accepting your mistakes, and approaching a forgiving mindset with a willingness.

Restoration –

It refers to forgiving yourself, taking action to rectify mistakes, and preventing these actions from happening again.

Renewal –

It is about being compassionate with yourself, and learning to use these experiences to grow and move forward in life.

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How To Let Go Of Resentment?

Resentment is what festers when there is no forgiveness. It can linger on for long periods of time, leading to other negative feelings of anger, hate, and so on.

To let go of resentment, firstly, you will have to acknowledge that it is there. This is quite a difficult thing to do as people are not as ready to acknowledge negative feelings. Once acknowledged, it is necessary to uncover the reasons for resentment. Then, practice compassion toward the person and forgive them.

Forgiveness releases feelings of resentment and instills a more positive outlook toward the person and also the path forward.

Why is Forgiveness Difficult?

Forgiveness, while healthy, is very, very difficult. When someone has wronged you, especially someone very close, it is only natural to be hurt. It is also natural to want justice, to hold that person accountable for their actions. After all, it is fair, is it not? Many times, the person may not offer an apology or may not be deserving of your forgiveness. In fact, as Robert Enright says, forgiveness is a gift you give to someone even if they are undeserving of it. It is not an easy gift to give.

However, by forgiving, you are not just releasing the pain you are holding on to. You are also welcoming peace and hope in your life. These are the positive things to focus on when forgiveness becomes difficult.

Moreover, forgiveness comes with its benefits. It reduces anxiety and hostility, enhances physical and mental health, improves relationships, and leads to wellness.

Why Is It So Easy To Hold A Grudge?

Grudges are pretty common. Some of the reasons why people hold a grudge may be because of bullying, betrayal, false accusations, stealing credit, and so on. The reason why holding a grudge becomes easy is because being wronged leads to damage, anger, sadness, and even confusion. It is only natural to dwell on these things and allow a grudge to take root.

However, holding onto grudges is not good for you, first and foremost. It can lead you to cut off ties with others, harbor bitterness, become irritable, and also go against your own moral principles. Therefore, forgiveness becomes important in letting go of a grudge.

Spiritual and Cultural Perspectives on Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a very wide topic, and different spiritual and cultural perspectives have their understandings of forgiveness. What is interesting about this is that forgiveness is not understood the same way all around the world.

Consider Christian theology. In the Lord’s Prayer which most Christians have been raised with, a very prominent verse reads, “Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Forgiveness is considered to be reconciliation with God as well as establishing harmony with all of God’s children.

In collectivistic Eastern cultures, forgiveness is relational and transforming. It is other-oriented and more of decisional forgiveness that is important for the group or society. This differs from the individualistic understanding of forgiveness, where accepting responsibility and seeking an apology is what makes forgiveness a more desirable prospect.

Coming to psychology, it takes a different view of forgiveness. It understands the necessity for forgiveness from an internal well-being point of view and less from a reconciliatory point of view. The reason being, psychology emphasizes the health and wellness of the mind and body.

So, with different spiritual and cultural perspectives, there is a different understanding of forgiveness. However, forgiveness in itself is considered to be a desirable concept and emphasized universally, albeit in different ways.

Tools and Strategies for Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a change, and to move toward forgiveness, you need to be more accepting of the change that is to come with forgiveness. Some tools and strategies you can adopt to move toward forgiveness are:

Journaling is a helpful tool as it allows you to process your feelings of anger, grief, or other strong feelings in a healthy and even creative way. It is reflective in that it provides clarity and helps in letting go of feelings of resentment, bitterness, and grudges.

Mindfulness and meditation are powerful tools as they help you focus on the present, build self-awareness, and release any lingering negative feelings. They provide perspective, allow you to let go of grudges, and foster a sense of peace.

Cognitive restructuring is a strategy you can also use to reframe negative thinking and emotional patterns that may be blocking your ability to forgive. By reshaping them, you can develop a different, healthier perspective toward the person or event and move toward forgiveness.

Sometimes, forgiveness is not easy to come and you may need additional support for the same. This is necessary for emotional healing. Forgiveness, here, is not solely for others but also for yourself. It is common in cases of behavioral health challenges like substance use disorders. In these cases, seeking professional help becomes very important. At the NuView Treatment Center, our mental health practitioners will work with you to provide personalized strategies to aid forgiveness and emotional healing, allowing you to work through deep-seated feelings in a safe and constructive environment.

Does Forgiveness Mean Forgetting Or Reconciling?

Forgiveness neither means forgetting nor reconciling. With forgiveness, you do not have to forget what has happened to you. Neither do you have to reconcile with the person in need of your forgiveness, as it does not require you to go back to where you were before wrongdoings or ill feelings crept in.

Forgiveness is about letting go of feelings of resentment, bitterness, and grudges. It is moving toward health, peace, and hope of a path forward.

Throughout history, there have been many great instances of forgiveness to the point that it cannot be said anything is past forgiveness. However, this is a very subjective thing. Sometimes, it might feel that not forgiving leads to justice and empowerment. This has been particularly evident with victims of sexual abuse.