The Power of Forgiveness: Letting Go to Heal and Move Forward

Forgive and forget, take the high road - these are some things you must have heard very often. What can seem like ordinary sayings can become really powerful tools for you to let go, heal, and move forward in life.

Resentment, bitterness, grudges, vengeance - they sound fair, but you know what they say? “When you seek revenge, dig two graves.” These feelings are simply too heavy to cling to and can only lead to more negativity in your life. Meanwhile, forgiveness is more than just the act of forgiving the other; it is more about you moving past negative feelings of hurt and betrayal and achieving harmony and peace in life.

Being wronged by others or being subjected to unjust behavior is nothing uncommon. Yet, what is uncommon is forgiveness. The reason? It can be very challenging. After all, when you are wronged, it is difficult to look beyond it. In fact, when the other person does not even acknowledge or offer you an apology, it becomes all the more difficult. Nevertheless, forgiveness is healthy for you and your life.

When you try to or are prepared to forgive someone who has hurt you, the best path forward is to follow Robert Enright’s four steps of forgiveness:

1. Understand Your Anger:

Identify the reasons for your anger toward the other person or event. Understand how your reasons shape your perspective. This allows you to unpack the reasons for your feelings, whether they are feelings of anger, resentment, or even hatred.

2. Deciding to Forgive:

Here, you explore your reluctance to forgive the other person and the advantages you can gain by resolving to forgive them. Then, you come to the decision to forgive them.

3. Cultivating Forgiveness:

You view the other person with empathy and understand where they are coming from. Keep in mind that understanding does not always mean you forgive, especially when you face an active threat from the said person.

4. Releasing Negative Emotions:

The final step, it is the culmination of your journey thus far, experiencing your feelings and releasing bottled-up negative emotions. It leads to personal health and well-being.

Resentment festers like a deep wound when there is no forgiveness. It can linger on and lead to other negative feelings like anger, resentment, and even hate.

To let go of resentment, you will have to begin by acknowledging that it is there. This may be quite challenging as one may not be very ready to acknowledge their negative feelings. However, once you acknowledge them, you uncover the underlying reasons for their existence. Then, you practice kindness toward the other person and forgive them.

Forgiveness liberates you from resentment and instills a more positive outlook toward the person and also the path forward.

Have you always understood forgiveness in the context of bestowing it upon others? You are not wrong, as it is indeed the general understanding. However, you must not forget that forgiveness is toward yourself, too. There are times when you need to forgive yourself to move forward. Mistakes happen; but sometimes, mistakes can lead to intense feelings of guilt and shame.

Forgiving yourself comes with taking responsibility for whatever has happened. Reflect on why it happened and the hurt it might have led to. Then, forgive yourself by saying it out loud, or writing it down, or any other way you feel is comfortable and empowering. However, what you must also do is to apologize to the person(s) affected by the event and rectify the situation whenever possible. This can be difficult, but as C.S. Lewis writes, “Courage, dear heart.” You will have to look within to find the courage to do so.

Forgiving yourself is critical to your recovery from substance use disorders. You liberate yourself from the negative feelings of guilt, shame, and other similar feelings you might have bottled up so far. The 4 R’s you will have to keep in mind to move toward self-forgiveness are:

Responsibility:

You realize you have the option to forgive and free yourself from the negative emotions of substance use.

Remorse:

You recognize the hurt your substance abuse might have led to, accept your mistakes, and approach a forgiving mindset with willingness.

Restoration:

You forgive yourself by taking action to rectify your mistakes and prevent them from happening again.

Renewal:

You need to be kind to yourself and take this as a learning or an opportunity to grow and move forward in life.

Forgiveness is a change, and to move toward forgiveness, you need to become open to change. Some tools and strategies you can adopt are:

Journaling:

When you write down how you feel, it clears the mental clutter and provides a clear insight into your mind. This introspective tool can allow you to let go of feelings like grudges, resentment, and bitterness. Try journaling daily - just a few minutes every day.

Mindfulness and Meditation:

These are powerful tools that enable you to be in the here and now (or the present). They provide a new perspective, get rid of negative feelings, and foster a sense of peace.

Cognitive Restructuring:

It is a strategy to reframe your thinking and emotional patterns that are hindering your ability to forgive. When you reshape them to make them more forgiveness-oriented, you can move toward forgiveness. For instance, instead of thinking about how the other person hurt you, you can think about the benefits of forgiving them.

Q1. What is forgiveness?

A: Forgiveness is the decision you take to forgive others who have wronged you to release the feelings of resentment and move toward healing and peace. Self-forgiveness is when you forgive yourself to move past the feelings of guilt and shame.

Q2. Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

A: When you are hurt by someone, especially someone you love or trust, you feel confused, sad, and angry. Negative emotions are too easy to dwell on, and when you do dwell on them, they turn into grudges.

Q3. Why is forgiveness difficult?

A: As living beings, we are programmed to avoid danger. So, when someone has wronged you, they prove themselves untrustworthy or even dangerous. Therefore, going against what is inherent to us and moving past it becomes difficult.

Q4. Does forgiveness mean forgetting or reconciling?

A: No, forgiveness does not always mean forgetting or reconciling. It simply means you are moving past the feelings of being wronged or hurt.