Breaking Free from Codependency: How to Build Healthier Relationships & Emotional Independence

Introduction

Codependency is a dysfunctional, imbalanced relationship. In a codependent relationship, one person plays the role of the “giver” and another person plays the role of the “taker.” Hence, there is no equality in codependency. Codependency can take root in any kind of a relationship, between romantic partners, parent and child, and so on. It is a reflection of early childhood attachment patterns and can also overlap with certain other personality disorders.

Generally, people do not tend to seek help for codependent relationships unless it has fallen apart. However, at the NuView Treatment Center, we encourage you to be aware of any signs of codependency and seek help for the same. We provide one-on-one therapy sessions as well as group therapy sessions for you to overcome codependent relationships.

What Is Codependency?

The term “codependency” was first coined in the 1950s. It emerged in the context of substance use disorders to indicate enabling relationships that encourage substance use. Codependency encourages the toxic lifestyles of partners and supports substance abuse, thereby creating a very unhealthy dynamic.

Since then, however, codependency has become a broader term to indicate one-sided relationships wherein one person assumes the role of a caregiver and becomes an enabler of their loved one’s destructive behavior. The giver, here, needs to be needed by the taker. Meanwhile, the taker begins to need the giver as well. For example, a person married to someone who abuses substances and puts their needs ahead of their own is a sign of codependency.

In cases of co dependency, it is healthy to create some distance between oneself and the troubled person. Staying within the codependent relationship is detrimental to both, and exacerbates problems like low self-worth, lack of boundaries, and so on.

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The Signs and Symptoms of Codependency

The signs and symptoms of codependency are many, and it might be helpful to understand them if codependency is suspected within interpersonal relationships:

1. Within a codependent relationship, there is a decreased sense of autonomy. Both, the giver, and the taker find it difficult to engage in independent decision-making or have personal goals in their lives.
2. There is extreme reliance on the giver for most of the things, from validation to decision-making. It is detrimental to the taker’s self-esteem, as they find themselves becoming increasingly dependent on the taker and seem to derive their own sense of self from them.
3. The giver suffers from a low sense of self-worth to the point that they can neglect their own needs and well-being to enable those of the taker. Sacrificing behaviors become very common on the part of the giver.
4. There is little to no sense or respect for boundaries in a codependent relationship. The giver and the taker become so entangled in this cycle of toxicity that they find their lives so deeply intertwined with one another, to the point where there is no understanding of their own distinct self.
5. Codependency leads to enabling behaviors, especially those behaviors that are extremely dangerous and even life-threatening. The giver generally finds themselves making excuses for the taker’s behaviors, feels sorry for them, and protects them from the consequences of the same.
6. Codependent relationships are characterized by emotional turmoil. It can create feelings of anger, resentment, fear, and shame, and contribute to overall unhappiness. The giver generally finds themselves treading carefully all the time, being the one to apologize, and finding themselves lost in the codependent relationship. This can be physically and emotionally draining.

The Root Causes of Codependency

The root causes of codependency stem from a combination of factors.

Family Relationships – Childhood years shape attachment patterns. Insecure attachment patterns and dysfunctional family relationships lead to codependent relationships. Especially growing up, if a loved one is suffering from behavioral health challenges, it increases the chances of codependent relationships in life.

Traumatic Experiences – Traumatic events, especially during childhood years, of abuse or neglect can lead to co dependency. It is kind of a coping mechanism, wherein people tend to develop codependent patterns in life.

Unresolved Grief – Not being able to process the loss of a loved one can lead to codependency, majorly as one seeks to fill the void by clinging on to someone else.

Lack of Self-Worth – A low sense of self and self-esteem can lead to codependent relationships, especially in terms of deriving one’s own sense of self from another. Feelings of insecurity and inadequacy also stem from the lack of self-worth, which can make one extremely reliant on others.

Biological Factors – It has been noticed that in codependent relationships, the codependent’s prefrontal cortex can fail to control empathy, leading to an increase in empathy. While empathy is a desirable characteristic, the extreme of anything is unhealthy. Therefore, it makes it easier for the person to get into a codependent relationship.

Social Factors – Society’s contribution to codependency cannot be overlooked, as it casts men and women into specific gender roles wherein it casts women in the role of the nurturers. This can lead to an overcompensation of the same.

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The Impact of Codependency on Relationships

Codependency has a lot of negative impacts on relationships, as it is one-sided. This can make it physically and emotionally draining, toxic, and abusive.

In codependent relationships, there is,

• Lack of trust in others
• Lowered sense of self
• Lack of healthy boundaries
• Lack of independent decision-making
• Self-neglect
• Unhealthy communication patterns, with dishonesty and lying becoming very common
• Experiencing negative emotions, like anger, guilt, shame, and so on
• Unresolved conflicts

Codependency and Addiction

The concept of codependency first emerged within the context of substance use disorders. It refers to how family members or friends enable substance use and abuse behaviors, despite the dangerous effects it has on their loved one. In these cases, codependency begins to develop when boundaries begin to get weak. One person assumes the giver’s role and offers their support to the troubled loved one. This is usually when a fear of abandonment or the fear of uncertainty creeps into the relationship. The giver fears what might happen if they do not accommodate their loved one’s demands. For example, a parent providing living space for their children suffering from substance use disorders instead of getting them the help they need is a codependent relationship.

Eventually, codependents only end up hurting within the relationship and one another. Enabling behaviors do not help the person suffering from substance use disorder in any way, and only jeopardizes their health and well-being. In extreme cases, even life-threatening.

Breaking Free from Codependency

Usually, people in codependent relationships do not feel the need to break free of codependency. It is, only, until the whole thing starts to come undone. Breaking free from co dependency begins with awareness, and from thereon, it is a journey.

Some ways to start breaking free from codependency are:

Self-Love – Practice self-compassion. Begin with loving and speaking positive self-affirmations to oneself. Slowly, start focusing attention on the self as well.

Standing Up for Oneself – Start standing up for beliefs and opinions, especially when someone is trying to impose themselves or exert control.

Learn to Say ‘No’ – In codependent relationships, there are little to no boundaries. So, saying “No” becomes an alien concept. However, there is nothing to be afraid of this word, and it needs to be used when one does not believe or want to engage in something.

Create Distance – This does not happen immediately, so baby steps are what are required. Begin by having a life outside of the relationship. For instance, making new friends, pursuing interests or hobbies, and so on.

Seek Therapy – Getting out of a codependent relationship may not always be achievable on one’s own, in this case, seeking individual therapy or group therapy will be beneficial.

Codependency Recovery Strategies

Certain recovery strategies for overcoming codependency are:

Individual Therapy – It is one of the most effective ways to recover from codependency. A trained therapist will create a personalized approach to identify underlying reasons for the codependent relationship, improve self-esteem, and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

Couples Therapy – Especially useful for romantic partners within a codependent relationship, it enables couples to identify the dysfunctional dynamics in their relationship, develop healthy communication patterns, and establish personal boundaries to impede codependency.

Group Support – Codependency support groups exist, which follow the 12-step recovery program similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. These groups are known as Codependents Anonymous (CoDA). CoDA provides a space for people to share their experiences and develop strategies to overcome codependent relationships. This helps feel less isolated and also empowered to integrate positive changes in life.

Developing Healthy Relationships After Codependency

There is life after codependency. Moreover, there are healthy relationships after codependency as well. Once codependency is overcome, developing healthy relationships requires time, patience, and work.

• Begin with openness and honesty. These are steps to establishing equality in relationships, and it requires being honest of one’s own needs and requirements as well as the other person’s as well.
• Establishing boundaries is of utmost importance. Codependent relationships lack boundaries. With healthy relationships, boundaries become necessary as they provide the time and space to focus on oneself. It also involves taking breaks when necessary.
• Have a life outside of one relationship. This requires cultivating a strong social support system, having personal goals in life, pursuing interests and hobbies, and so on.
• Be positive. Do not give room to a lot of negative thinking in life despite negative experiences. Group support, like CoDA, especially helps with this.
• Consider seeking professional help, like counseling. It provides ongoing care and support, which is crucial for developing healthy relationships after codependency.

What Happens When Two Codependents Get Together?

Two codependents in a relationship is not a good thing. The relationship will be emotionally draining, difficult to maintain, and will most likely end with separation but not before it has inflicted considerable damage on the two people. With codependency, it is about control. So, when two codependents get together, one is bound to become counter-dependent. In that, they will actively seek to resist control.

Recovery is important before getting into another relationship, especially considering that people are bound to look for similar patterns in relationships. Two codependents will only give rise to the same old patterns, leading to a downward spiral again.