Breaking Free from Codependency: Building Healthier Relationships

When you think of a relationship, what do you picture? In very simple terms, to love and be loved - that is the whole and sole of it. Yet, in a city like Los Angeles, where different stressors pull you in different directions, not all relationships unfold this way. Relationships can feel like a bottomless void you are trying to fill, and it is just not happening.

One such kind of relationship is a codependent relationship. Codependence is when one person becomes the “giver,” and the other becomes the “taker.” There is no equality in codependency; it is either give, give, give, or take, take, take. If this resonates with you, then know that there are ways you can break free from these kinds of relationships and find love and fulfillment again.

Codependency refers to unhealthy levels of dependence and attachment in a relationship. It impacts the ability to develop and maintain interpersonal relationships to the point that they become one-sided and dysfunctional.

Initially, codependent relationships emerged in the context of substance misuse - to indicate relationships that enabled substance misuse.

However, today, we understand that codependent relationships exist within multiple contexts, such as intimate partners, parents, friends, and co-workers. One person becomes the giver and enabler of their loved one’s destructive behavior. The giver, here, needs to be needed by the taker. Meanwhile, the taker begins to need the giver as well.

Linda Whiteside, Clinical Supervisor at the NuView Treatment Center, says, “Codependent relationships stem from a lack of self-love and self-worth, little to no personal boundaries, and so on. To heal from codependency, you must be willing to look inward and explore your reasons for staying in such a relationship.”

Codependent relationships are characterized by an imbalance between the giver and the taker. They stem from low self-worth, insecure attachments, unresolved trauma, and other mental health factors, and look something like this:

• Extreme Reliance on the Giver: The taker is extremely dependent on the giver for most of the things in their life, which is detrimental as they begin to derive their sense of self from the giver. This extreme reliance can be cumbersome for the giver to deal with as well, as they begin to feel deprived of their own sense of being.
• Decreased Sense of Autonomy: Extreme reliance on the giver by the taker makes it difficult for both to engage in independent decision-making or have personal goals in their lives.
• Low Sense of Self-Worth: The giver struggles with a low sense of self-worth to the point that they can neglect their own needs and well-being to enable those of the taker. Sacrificing behaviors become very common for the giver. At the same time, as the taker is extremely dependent on the giver, they also come to derive their sense of self from the giver.
• Emotional Turmoil: Co-dependency can create feelings of anger, resentment, fear, and shame, while contributing to a general sense of unhappiness. The giver, specifically, finds themselves treading carefully, being the one to apologize, and losing their sense of self within the web of the codependent relationship.
• Enabling Behaviors: Codependent relationships enable destructive and, sometimes, even life-threatening behaviors. The giver generally finds themselves making excuses for the taker’s behaviors, like substance misuse, and protects them from the consequences of their actions.
• Lack of Boundaries: The giver and the taker become entangled in the codependent cycle of toxicity to the point that they find their lives so deeply intertwined with each other that there is no understanding of their own distinct self.

The signs and symptoms of codependency in a relationship are:

• Sense of dependence on the giver
• Sense of the giver as a martyr
• Low self-worth and self-esteem
• Inability to feel true love or intimacy
• Feeling trapped in a controlling/degrading relationship
• Constant need for encouragement and support from others
• Constant need for external experiences, like substances, food, or sex, to distract from the emotional turmoil of the relationship
• Uncertain psychological boundaries.

Linda Whiteside says, “If you notice these signs in you or someone you care for, they may indicate a codependent relationship. What matters is that you recognize when they show up so that you can break free of this cycle and find healthy relationships toward a meaningful life.”

While codependency can develop within any relationship, some of the main reasons why it develops are as follows:

• Biological Factors: While codependency is often considered to be a learned condition, studies indicate that prefrontal cortex activity in the brain can also contribute to codependent behaviors.
• Adverse Life Experiences: Adverse life experiences like unresolved trauma/grief or childhood abuse, neglect, and bullying can lead to codependent behaviors. The person may seek validation through other relationships to compensate for their low self-worth and self-esteem.
• Attachment Patterns: Insecure attachment styles can lead to extreme avoidance, fear of abandonment/rejection, and need for external validation. These patterns can contribute to codependency.
• Substance Use and Co-Occurring Mental Health Conditions: Substance misuse and co-occurring mental health conditions can lead to codependency, where destructive patterns are enabled and maintained.

Codependency is rooted in childhood experiences, substance use, and other mental health conditions, so treatment in Los Angeles involves psychoeducation, individual therapy, family therapy, couples therapy, and group therapy where codependents identify and overcome self-destructive patterns in safe, non-judgmental settings.

You can also participate in 12-Step recovery programs, like Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), for community and collective healing.

Linda Whiteside says, “At NuView’s Los Angeles facility, we notice that less than 20% of our clients are able to identify signs and symptoms of codependency. Still, with therapy and counseling, especially psychodynamic therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy, more than 80% of our clients experience meaningful improvements in their personal and interpersonal lives.”

If you feel stuck in a codependent relationship, you are not alone. Codependent relationships are common, with nearly 90% Americans exhibiting some kind of codependent behavior. At NuView, we offer personalized therapeutic and counseling interventions so that you can identify and heal from codependent behaviors in a safe, non-judgmental setting.

Please do not hesitate to call us at (323) 307-7997 to connect with our experts today!

1. What is the difference between interdependence and codependence?

Interdependence is a healthy relationship dynamic where two persons in a relationship support each other while maintaining a sense of autonomy, whereas in codependence, there is extreme reliance on the other and a lack of healthy boundaries.

2. Can codependency exist even if both seem independent?

Yes, codependency often hides behind superficial appearances of independence, making emotional imbalance harder to recognize.

3. Can I work on codependency even if my partner refuses therapy?

Yes, you can benefit from individual therapy to break codependent patterns and shift relationship dynamics, even if your partner refuses therapy.

4. How long does it take to see improvement with codependency therapy?

While we cannot put a time on this, many notice meaningful emotional and boundary-related changes within a few months of consistent therapy.

5. Does healing from codependency mean ending the relationship?

No, healing from codependency focuses on restoring balance and autonomy, and some relationships can improve rather than end via treatment.