Breaking Free from Codependency: Building Healthier Relationships

When you think of a relationship, what do you picture? In very simple terms, to love and be loved - that is the whole and sole of it. Yet, not all relationships are such picturesque paintings of a bed of roses. In reality, relationships can become dysfunctional and imbalanced, so much so that it begins to feel like a bottomless void you are trying to fill, and it is just not happening.

One such kind of relationship is a codependent relationship. Codependence is when one person plays the role of the “giver,” and the other person plays the role of the “taker.” There is no equality in codependency; it is either give, give, give, or take, take, take. Seems cumbersome, right? If you think that you are in this kind of relationship, then know that there are ways you can break free from these kinds of relationships and find love and fulfillment again.

What Is Codependency?

The term “codependency” was first coined in the 1950s. It emerged in the context of substance use disorders to indicate enabling relationships that encourage substance use and the toxic lifestyle that scaffolds it.

Now, the definition of codependency has expanded to indicate those one-sided relationships where one person becomes the giver and enabler of their loved one’s destructive behavior. The giver, here, needs to be needed by the taker. Meanwhile, the taker begins to need the giver as well. Codependency can take root in any kind of relationship - between romantic partners, parent and child, and so on. It is a reflection of early childhood attachment patterns and can also overlap with certain personality disorders.

Codependent relationships stem from a lack of self-love, low self-worth, little to no personal boundaries, and so on. Therefore, to heal from co dependency, you must be willing to look inward and explore your reasons for staying in such a relationship.

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Signs and Symptoms of Codependency

Codependency often has deep roots - ranging from insecure family attachments and low self-worth to unresolved trauma, grief, and other biopsychosocial factors. But whatever the reason, what matters most is being able to recognize it when it shows up.

So, here are some signs and symptoms you need to be aware of:

Decreased Sense of Autonomy:

Both the giver and the taker find it difficult to engage in independent decision-making or have personal goals in their lives.

Extreme Reliance on the Giver:

The taker is extremely dependent on the giver for most of the things in their life, which is detrimental as they begin to derive their sense of self from the giver. This extreme reliance can be cumbersome for the giver to deal with as well, as they begin to feel deprived of their own sense of being.

Low Sense of Self-Worth:

The giver suffers from a low sense of self-worth to the point that they can neglect their own needs and well-being to enable those of the taker. Sacrificing behaviors become very common for the giver. At the same time, as the taker is extremely dependent on the giver, they also come to derive their sense of self from the giver.

Lack of Boundaries:

The giver and the taker become entangled in the codependent cycle of toxicity and they find their lives so deeply intertwined with one another to the point where there is no understanding of their own distinct self.

Enabling Behaviors:

Codependent relationships enable destructive and, sometimes, even life-threatening behaviors. The giver generally finds themselves making excuses for the taker’s behaviors, feels sorry for them, and protects them from the consequences of their actions.

Emotional Turmoil:

Co dependency can create feelings of anger, resentment, fear, and shame, and contribute to overall unhappiness. The giver, specifically, finds themselves treading carefully all the time, being the one to apologize, and losing their sense of self within the web of the codependent relationship.

Impact of Codependency on Relationships

Codependency has a lot of negative impacts on relationships, as it is one-sided. This can make it physically and emotionally draining, toxic, and abusive.

In codependent relationships, there is:

• Low sense of self
• Lack of trust in others
• Lack of healthy boundaries
• Lack of independent decision-making
• Self-neglect
• Unhealthy communication patterns, with dishonesty and lying becoming very common.
• Experiencing negative emotions, like anger, guilt, shame, and so on.
• Unresolved conflicts.

Breaking Free from Codependency

Typically, you might not feel the need to break free of a codependent relationship. It is only when everything comes undone you begin to notice the red flags. From thereon, it becomes a journey, and this is how the journey will look like:

Self-Love:

Practice self-compassion. Begin by paying attention to yourself and loving yourself. You can begin by speaking positive self-affirmations to yourself.

Standing Up for Oneself:

Begin by standing up for your beliefs and opinions, especially if someone is trying to impose themselves on you or exert control.

Learn to Say ‘No’:

In codependent relationships, there are little to no boundaries. So, saying “No” becomes an alien concept. However, there is nothing to be afraid of this word, and it needs to be used when you do not believe or wish to engage in something you are not comfortable with.

Create Distance:

This does not happen immediately, so baby steps are required. Begin by having a life outside of the relationship. For instance, make new friends, pursue your interests and hobbies you have neglected so far, and so on, take time off for self-care where you just focus on yourself, and so on.

Seek Therapy:

Getting out of a codependent relationship may not always be achievable on your own, and it is not meant to be either. When you feel things are getting overwhelming, it is an indication that you can benefit from psychotherapy or counseling.

Codependency Recovery Strategies

When you decide to break free from codependency, you make the brave decision of wanting to heal and recover from codependent relationships. The good thing is, there is not one, but many pathways you can take once you begin this journey:

Individual Therapy:

Individual therapy is one of the most effective ways to recover from codependency. A trained psychotherapist will understand your background, needs, challenges, strengths, and goals to create a personalized approach that will not only allow you to recover from a codependent relationship but also improve your sense of self and equip you with healthy coping mechanisms.

Couples Therapy:

It is not always the case that codependent relationships must come to an end, especially when both the persons involved in the relationship are seeking to improve their equation. Couples therapy enables you and your partner to identify the dysfunctional dynamics in your relationship, develop healthy communication patterns, and establish personal boundaries to reduce codependency.

Group Support:

Codependency support groups exist, which follow the 12-step recovery program similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. These groups are known as Codependents Anonymous (CoDA). CoDA provides a space for you to share your experiences, and find the encouragement and fellowship you need to overcome codependent relationships. CoDA reduces your sense of isolation and empowers you to integrate positive changes in your life.

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Developing Healthy Relationships After Codependency

There is life after a codependent relationship. Moreover, healthy relationships are just on the horizon as well. Once you overcome codependency, developing healthy relationships requires time, patience, and work.

• Begin with openness and honesty. These are steps to establishing equality in relationships, and it requires being honest of your own needs and requirements as well as the other person’s needs and requirements.
• Establishing boundaries is of utmost importance. Codependent relationships lack boundaries. With healthy relationships, boundaries become necessary as they provide the time and space to focus on oneself. It also involves taking breaks when necessary.
• Have a life outside of one relationship. It requires cultivating a strong social support system, having personal goals in life, pursuing interests and hobbies, and so on.
• Be positive. Do not give room to a lot of negative thinking in life despite negative experiences. Group support, like CoDA, specifically helps you get out of this kind of negative mindset.
• Consider seeking professional help, like therapy or counseling. It provides ongoing care and support, which is crucial for developing healthy relationships after codependency.

 

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q1. What Is Codependency?

A: Co dependency is an imbalanced relationship where one becomes the giver and the other the taker. The giver enables the taker’s self-destructive behaviors.

Q2. What Are The Root Causes Of Codependency?

A: Co dependency stems from a combination of factors like insecure family attachments, lack of self-worth, traumatic experiences, unresolved grief, prefrontal cortex dysfunction leading to a failure to control empathy, and social factors like stringent gender roles.

Q3. What Is The Relationship Between Codependency And Addiction?

A: Co dependency is detrimental to addiction, as the giver enables the other person’s self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse by giving into their demands and covering for them instead of getting them the help they need.

Q4. What Happens When Two Codependents Get Together?

A: Two codependents in a relationship will be emotionally draining and difficult to maintain. As codependency focuses more on control, with two codependents, one is bound to become counter-dependent and actively resist control. These kinds of dysfunctional patterns only lead to a downward spiral.