The Gottman Method

Introduction

The Gottman Method is a type of couples therapy. It was developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman.

The Gottman Method seeks to strengthen couple relationships by removing conflicts within verbal communication, enhancing respect, affection, and intimacy, negating stagnancy, and making room for a greater sense of empathy and understanding within a relationship.

At the NuView Treatment Center, we build on the Gottman Method and seek to uncover those aspects of relationships that lead to long-lasting and loving partnerships.

What Is The Gottman Couples Therapy Method?

The Gottman Method is based on four decades of research and hundreds of longitudinal studies on over three thousand couples. On the basis of these studies, what Dr. John Gottman and his colleague, Robert Levenson discovered was that while conflict is common among couples, most (69%, to be more precise) of the problems between couples arise because of unresolved conflicts. The reason for this is mainly negative interaction patterns, especially during times of conflict. Gottman and Levenson identified the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in a relationship –

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defense
• Stonewalling

Later, using these findings, Gottman worked alongside his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, and came up with the Gottman Method, which is based on the Sound Relationship House Theory. This theory informs the interventions used in the therapy to enhance the couple’s communication skills, increase respect and love for one another, remove barriers that can give rise to feelings of stagnancy and boredom, and create an overall sense of empathy and understanding within the relationship.

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What Are The Benefits Of Gottman Couples Therapy?

The Gottman Method is a structured couples therapy that relies on a specific framework for couples to work through. It is applicable to resolve a wide range of issues within a relationship, including (but not limited to):

• Conflicts
• Communication gaps and negative communication patterns
• Stagnancy and distance between couples
• Specific concerns like infidelity, financial constraints, parenting, and sexual difficulties.

The Gottman Method can be used during different stages of a relationship, for new relationships, pre-marital counseling, within a married relationship, and when a couple is expecting children.

The Gottman Method is universally applicable, as it has been designed to support couples across different racial, cultural, sexual orientation, and economic sectors.

Why Is the Gottman Method Different?

The Gottman Method is different for a number of reasons.

For one, it is based on decades of study on 3,000 couples. Some were even studied for as long as 20 years, and Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues at the time were able to discover the patterns that kept the couples united and those that drove them further apart.

When it comes to couples, there are many pieces of advice available out there. However, the Gottman Method is not based on any advice; it is based on time-tested exercises and interventions that help strengthen couples on their journey toward moving past the struggles and wounds, and achieving their shared hopes and dreams. They have been tested in general workshops with couples, workshops with new parents, gay and lesbian couples, and couples who suffer from mild to moderate domestic violence.

The Gottman Method does not believe that one trick can save a struggling relationship. In fact, it centers on a framework that believes there are several different ways to strengthen a relationship, basically divided into three categories. Each category has its own lessons that couples must learn and practice. The three categories are:

• Remaining close and intimate as lovers and friends.
• Managing conflicts well.
• Creating a life together that is meaningful for both partners.

Techniques Of Gottman Method Couples Therapy

The techniques used in the Gottman Method are based on the Sound Relationship House Theory. The theory says that a strong relationship is like a strong house, and building a strong relationship is like building a house. Couples have to move through seven floors and have two walls that are meant to hold them together.

Build Love Maps – Know one another intimately, not just superficially. Building love maps goes beyond knowing the partner’s favorite color, it is about knowing the ins and outs of their world.

Share Fondness and Admiration – Admire and love one another. It can be achieved through simple, positive statements, like “I am proud of you,” or “I appreciate you.”

Turn Towards Instead of Away – One of the strongest predictors of a successful relationship is when couples are able to turn toward one another instead of turning away. They must seek to connect rather than ignore or reject.

The Positive Perspective – Give each other the benefit of the doubt by believing that both are batting for the same side.

Manage Conflict – It is an understanding that conflicts do exist and they are as natural as any other thing in a relationship. Conflicts, however, need to be managed as they cannot be completely resolved.

Make Life Dreams Come True – Create an open space where each is able to share their hopes, aspirations, and dreams. It requires the partners to support one another, whether they in individual or shared goals in life.

Create Shared Meaning – Understand habits, visions, narratives, metaphors, and myths about the relationship. These are little “rituals of connection” that can define a couple’s life together.

Trust – Trust one another, believe that partners have each other’s best interest at heart, and act in a manner to maximize these interests and benefits for one another.

Commitment – Stay committed to one another. Whether by words or deeds, it must be communicated that one can rely on the other for anything.

In the Strong Relationship House, building love maps becomes the ground floor (the foundation, so to speak), and creating shared meaning becomes the top floor. Meanwhile, trust and commitment are the walls that couples can hang on to for strength.

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What The Gottman Therapy Can Help You With?

The Gottman Method can help couples who wish to be successful in their relationship. It can help couples who want to take the insights of the method and turn it into action.

The Gottman Method understands that a couple is shaped by different things, especially their past struggles, wounds, and also hopes, dreams, and aspirations. While relationship struggles can impact life, it does not have to remain a struggle. The Gottman Method helps couples overcome their relationship struggles with the Strong Relationship House Theory, which informs the nine interventions for loving and long-lasting relationships.

With these interventions, couples can help bring positivity to their daily interactions, manage and reduce conflicts, and come closer together in a strong union.

The Gottman Method can help with issues ranging from weak communication, and frequent and prolonged conflicts, stagnation, to specific problems like money troubles, sexual difficulties, as well as infidelity

How Effective Is Gottman Therapy?

Yes, the Gottman Method is very effective in enhancing marital adjustment and intimacy. Studies have shown that nine to ten sessions along with workshops are most effective in improving marital relationships, bonds, and intimacy.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is the Gottman Method worth it?

Yes, the Gottman Method is an effective therapy to improve marital relationships, compatibility, and intimacy. It is time-tested in that it is based on decades of research and hundreds of studies.

What is the best couples therapy method?

There is no one best couples therapy. Different types of couples therapy methods like the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Narrative Therapy, among others, can be used with struggling couples. It all depends on finding the best fit for both the partners involved.