The Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is a scientifically-backed approach to couples therapy, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman.

The Gottman Method seeks to strengthen relationships by:

• Reducing conflicts within verbal communication.
• Enhancing respect, affection, and intimacy.
• Negating stagnancy.
• Making room for a greater sense of empathy and understanding within a relationship.

At the NuView Treatment Center, we utilize the Gottman Method to uncover and strengthen those aspects of a relationship that lead to enduring, loving partnerships.

The Gottman Method is a unique approach to couples therapy. In the 1970s, Dr. Gottman and his colleague, Rober Levenson, teamed up to conduct several longitudinal studies on over three thousand couples. Dr. Gottman and Levenson discovered that conflicts are commonplace in a relationship. However, most problems (69%, to be more precise) arise when conflicts go unresolved.

Dr. Gottman and Levenson theorized that the reasons for unresolved conflicts are the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defense
• Stonewalling

Equipped with these findings, Gottman built on them with his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, to come up with what they called “The Gottman Method.” It is based on the Sound Relationship House Theory. This theory is at the core of the interventions used to:

• Enhance couples’ communication skills.
• Increase respect and love for one another.
• Remove barriers that can give rise to feelings of stagnancy and boredom.
• Create a general sense of empathy and understanding within the relationship.

Techniques used in the Gottman Method are based on the Sound Relationship House Theory. The theory says that a strong relationship is like a strong house, and building a strong relationship is like building a house. Couples have to move through seven floors and have two walls that are meant to hold them together.

Build Love Maps:

Know one another intimately, not just superficially. Building love maps goes beyond simply knowing generic things about the partner; it is about knowing the ins and outs of their world.

Share Fondness and Admiration:

Admire and love one another. It can be achieved through simple, positive statements like, “I love you,” “I am proud of you,” or “I appreciate you.”

Turn Towards Instead of Away:

One of the strongest predictors of a successful relationship is when couples are able to turn toward one another instead of turning away. They must seek to connect rather than ignore or reject.

The Positive Perspective:

Give each other the benefit of the doubt by believing that both are batting for the same side.

Manage Conflict:

It is an understanding that conflicts do exist and they are as natural as any other thing in a relationship. Conflicts, however, need to be managed as they cannot be completely resolved.

Make Life Dreams Come True:

Create an open space where each is able to share their hopes, aspirations, and dreams with the other. It requires the partners to support one another, whether in individual or shared goals of life.

Create Shared Meaning:

Understand habits, visions, narratives, metaphors, and myths about the relationship. These are little “rituals of connection” that can define a couple’s life together.

Trust:

Trust one another, believe that partners have each other’s best interests at heart, and act to maximize these interests and benefits for one another.

Commitment:

Stay committed to one another. Whether by words or deeds, it must be communicated that one can rely on the other for anything.

In the Strong Relationship House, building love maps becomes the ground floor (the foundation, so to speak), and creating shared meaning becomes the top floor. Meanwhile, trust and commitment are the walls that couples can hang on to for strength.

The Gottman Method addresses different concerns that can exist within a couple’s relationship. It is universally applicable to couples across different ages and stages of relationship, as well as to couples belonging to different racial, cultural, sexual orientation, and economic backgrounds.

In a nutshell, the Gottman Method can help any couple who wishes to be successful in their relationship. It can help couples who want to take the insights of the method and turn it into action.

The Gottman Method understands that a couple is shaped by different things, especially their past struggles and wounds, but also hopes, dreams, and aspirations. While relationship struggles can impact life, it does not have to become a struggling relationship. The Gottman Method helps couples overcome their relationship struggles with the Strong Relationship House Theory, which informs the nine interventions for loving and long-lasting relationships.

With these interventions, couples can help bring positivity to their daily interactions, manage and reduce conflicts, and come closer together in a strong union.

The Gottman Method provides a structured framework that guides couples through common relationship challenges. It is applicable to a wide range of concerns within a relationship, including (but not limited to):

• Conflicts
• Communication gaps and negative communication patterns.
• Stagnancy and distance between couples.
• Specific concerns like infidelity, financial constraints, parenting, and sexual difficulties.

The Gottman Method can be used during different stages of a relationship:

• New relationships
• Pre-marital counseling
• Within a married relationship
• When a couple is expecting children.

The Gottman Method is universally applicable, as it has been designed to support couples across different racial, cultural, sexual orientation, and economic sectors.

The Gottman Method is different for a number of reasons.

For one, it is based on decades of study on 3,000 couples. Some studies even went on for as long as 20 years. During this time, Dr. Gottman and his colleagues were able to discover the patterns that kept the couples united and those that drove them further apart.

When it comes to relationships, there might be many unsolicited pieces of advice out there. However, the Gottman Method carefully avoids advice. Instead, it is based on time-tested exercises and interventions that strengthen couples as they move past conflicts and toward their shared hopes and dreams. They have been tested in general workshops with couples, new parents, gay and lesbian couples, and even with couples who suffer from mild to moderate domestic violence.

The Gottman Method does not believe there is one trick to saving a relationship. It centers on a framework that believes there are several different ways to strengthen a relationship, which are divided into three categories. They are:

• Remaining close and intimate as lovers and friends.
• Managing conflicts well.
• Creating a life together that is meaningful for both partners.

Each of these three categories comes with its own lessons that couples need to learn and practice.

The Gottman Method can help with issues ranging from weak communication, frequent and prolonged conflicts, and stagnation, to specific problems like money troubles, sexual difficulties, as well as infidelity.

The Gottman Method is very effective in enhancing marital adjustment and intimacy. Studies have shown that nine to ten sessions, along with workshops, are most effective in improving marital relationships, bonds, and intimacy.

Is the Gottman Method worth it?

Yes, the Gottman Method is an effective therapy to improve marital relationships, compatibility, and intimacy. It is time-tested in that it is based on decades of research and hundreds of studies.

What is the best couples therapy method?

There is no one best couples therapy. Different types of couples therapy methods, like the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Narrative Therapy, among others, can be used with struggling couples. It all depends on finding the best fit for both the partners involved.